Sunday, October 18, 2009

what a weekend...

This weekend marked many memorable moments for me and the kiddos. Emma shot her first deer out of my dads old spot. Landon went on his first hunt and his gun misfired... but later that day his ball team won their final game in two overtime innings placing them second in their league. Greysen and I spent the entire weekend side by side and having the best conversation ever. I played with my niece Ella for like three hours straight then spent the next evening with my niece Peyton. Brandon worked and I painted a hutch. My house is all clean and I had some quality time with my God... it was truly an awesome weekend. I love weekends like this!

Im sure the kids said some funny things, but I cant remember them off the top of my head... I will leave ya with this video that I also put up on facebook of Emma after getting her first deer. This video is so awesome to me because I can see so much going on with Emma in this clip. I can see her nerves and her happiness and her holding back tears too.

I asked her tonight before bed how she felt when she got her deer. She looked at me and and her little cheeks started shaking and her eyes watered up and she said "I just wish grumpy would have been there too." Then we both hugged and cried for a bit. All I could think was, me too. I still think that every day... I guess that never goes away.

So, as you watch the video of emma shaking the neck of a deer in an OCD kind of way and petting it while attempting to carry on conversation with her Uncle Jeff... you can sort of place yourself in her emotional state. Adrenaline rush combined with Happy...and sad...bittersweet I guess. I am truly grateful for my brother and this experience that he was able to give Emma.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

lets talk about...?!

First thing that comes to my mind in my title is... salt-n-peppa.... ya, I know...lame. I actually still kinda like them. Either way, I remember cleaning stress con with my mom when I was little and "ace of base" and "salt n peppa" would come on the radio and I would always love it! One time, Troy actually came upstairs (because he was living in the shop, come to find out) and let me ride on his piggy back while we dusted and sang to "I saw the sign"... great moment engraved in my 10 year old memory)

Anyways... this is the start of my new blog. I think I have uttered those words before. Anyhow... Bailey created it for me, and I wasn't going to use it... until tonight. You see, I am a bit of a perfectionist. I don't want to keep up with a blog because I feel the need to have correct punctuation and write what everyone wants me to write. Until tonight... a few glasses of wine later (yellow tail... a cheap highly reccommended wine). I decided tonight ( which was supposed to be an awesome night with my husband) that I would blog. I originally wanted my blog to be about the kids. Everyone knows that my children produce funny stories. Al once told me... and I quote, "Nik, I thought there must be something wrong with your parenting, unitl I had boys" I must admit, until she told me that, I too thought that there must be something wrong with my parenting!
All of that to say, my blog is going to be about honesty. Yep, I will tell you the crazy things my kids say... and I will tell you about the awesome things God is working in my life. But, I will also tell you about the things that are disturbing in my life. Ya... I know, right?! But here is the thing.... Until Alyson said the quote above, which I have already mentioned, I had no idea that my crazy boys were a representation of normalcy. And, until I started watching my best friends go through divorce and marital issues and parenting catastrophies... I had no idea of normalcy. So new mommas.. that want everything to work out normal... I just want to say, what you strive for is great! What you see from all of your friends is great! What is actually occuring is great!

Now, for a moment of truth... It ok... It's ok if you feel overwhelemed...It's ok if you feel underappreciated... It's okay if you feel under-romanticized! It's okay!
I sat here tonight, attempting to reconnect with my husband. I love him. I truly do... I think he is the funniest and sexiest man alive! But, we get so busy.. gymnastics and baseball and private lessons and God and school and parenting and work and eveything else under the sun (which reminds me of ecclesiastes, my favorite book)... That we forget about why we truly fell in love ten years ago. I forget about him. In my attempt to be the perfect mom and the perfect wife... I forget about him. Although I have him in the back of my mind ( and I know every trick girls! pour Lysol down the sink so he thinks you've been cleaning all day) I know them. And as much as I say that I am doing them for Brandon... I am truly doing them for the approval of man.

More than anything... I desire to have God at the forefront of my life. I say that, but my actions prove otherwise. I am at every walk-a-thon, every conference, every class, and every sports event. But am I in His word everyday? No... the truth is no...

The truth is, tonight my husband is in the livingroom while I am in my bedroom. He actually said "you are the squeeky wheel nik... we arent going to get over this until I agree with you"... and maybe thats true... maybe I am a squeeky wheel. That doesn't seem uncomprehendable...

But... he is asleep on the couch and I am alone. He is alone... I am alone. And sometimes in a a marriage, you just feel alone! No one ever told me that. No one ever told me this was going to be the hardest thing ever! No one ever told me that sometimes... the hurting is so bad that you feel a physical discomfort in your chest. No one ever told me that. (byt he way... no one ever told me that by age 27 I would get random hairs on my chin either)

So, today, as I start my bolg... I feel compelled to write about things that no one ever talks about. Things the admit temporary or permanent failure... You know what? Things arent always going to be grand... all of those soccer moms with perfecrt graduated bobs and 5 children arent always content. It's ok. Its ok if your husband is sleeping in the other room tonight. You still love him. It's ok if your friend has the "We dont go to bed until the fight is resolved" policy... everyone has that. No one abides by it. It's ok if your friend is on the "Dave Ramsey cash budget only" plan... and you aren't because you have credit card debt and are a month behind on your mortgage. It's ok if your friends kid knows"all of the presidents and their wives"... and your kid spells his name with numbers. It's ok. Life.. its ok...

In the words of Alexander... "today is a terribble horribble no good vey bad day"

And you know what... all of us have those days...all of us have those seasons! Celebrate...and if you can't...just do it anyways. Sing in the rain, slide in the ice, and love in the bitterness. We all have moments where we feel as though we should have been named "Job".

My husband is asleep on the couch and my kids fought all day. Ther are dirty dishes in the sink and homework to be done... but you know what...I'm gonna be alright. In the words of Bob Marley... "Everything, is gona be alright"...

So, here's to of honesty! I hope I can share as my cousin Alyson did...
I hope I can cause epiphonies... in which mothers realize that not every moment is going to be of your child singing "Jesus loves me" or "the colors of the rainbow"... sometimes they are going to say they don't like you or that hey hate you. Sometimes... your husband will say that you are the squeeky wheel... but... sometimes... actulally, all the time... God is good. He is real good... and as much as I hate the word "transparency"... He desires it.

So... here's to transparency! I never thought I would say that. And, I have before... but for the first time... I'm actually attaining it!

transparency... let's talk about...